"Can I go my own way? Can I pray my own way..."
"You're so pretty the way you are...you're so pretty the way you are...and you have no reason to be so insolent to me...you're so pretty the way you are..."
As an early teen, I would jot down the lyrics to The Cranberries songs at night. No TV, no smart phone - just me, the music and my journal. Their songs were therapeutic and filled with insightful and thought provoking lyrics - deep, honest, strong yet vulnerable.
Being an only child of a single mother in the projects of Spanish Harlem on the heels of the notorious 80's crack epidemic while attending school in the crime-ridden South Bronx was challenging to say the least, especially as a female.
At the dawn of physical development, I became very well aware of a women’s role in my community. Even before my breasts began to bloom, the older men who set up shop outside my local bodegas would grovel. Sometimes it was with their glassy beer-filled eyes while other times they would externalize their lust by blowing a kiss or a spewing blasphemy clothed in a blessing “Dios de bendiga” or God bless you they would say, but it wasn't God’s best they wished upon me. It was awkward, confusing and uncomfortable to confront that daily as a growing girl. Why were they like this and why were they paying attention to me? What did they want?
As I grew older, media provided some insight, particularly through the music industry. Song lyrics and music videos explained what Latinas like me were good for - sex, seduction, submission. I should welcome a male’s advances or just deal with them. Men just being men, right? It’s okay to be marginalized by them, well, because… you’re a woman in this community. Your power comes from your beauty. Are you prettier than her? Will you give it up faster? After all, even in elementary school the girls who got finger popped were the most popular.
With the exception of a select few powerful minority artists, that I encountered early on, like Queen Latifah, Mary J. Blige and Gloria Estefan, I wasn't inspired by the female musicians in local syndication.
The first time I heard Dolores O’Riordan’s distinct voice was in a movie trailer commercial. I couldn't get it’s enchanting echo out of my head. It was mesmerizingly melodic and I wanted to know more, so I sought it out. I somehow figured out the name of the song and band, “Dreams” by The Cranberries, and went to my local record store to see if they had the music. The only Cranberries music there was an imported CD single of "Dreams" for $10, half of the money I owned. I purchased it anyway.
I later convinced my best friend Glori to buy The Cranberries CDs, Everyone Else is Doing It So Why Can’t We and No Need To Argue through a mail order CD subscription - the one where you got like 12 CDs for a buck but then had to buy a CD every month thereafter. We would listen to the CDs on repeat over and over and I would borrow them on rotation until I could afford my own mail order subscription.
Around the same time, hip hop music videos were blowing up and programs on BET and MTV were playing them around the clock. I was a fan of hip hop but cringed at the new age music videos. More and more the ideology of minority women being associated as sexual objects began to unfold. Jay Z, 50 Cent, Ludacris, Lil Kim and even JLo told me what the expectations were of me as a minority woman. I struggled with accepting it.
I didn't want to depend on pretty. I didn't want to try to seduce a boy into liking me. I wanted him to just like ME. I didn't feel empowered by the images of my hyper-sexualized “sisters.” There had to be more out there for me.
Dolores represented, The Cranberries represented, something else. Her voice, the lyrics, they raised me…to be tough and tender but most of all, to be independent. She was a complex woman - a rockstar who raged through hit songs like Zombie, but was feminine and vulnerable through songs like Linger and Dreams. Song content was sophisticated with tremendous range and were often times politically charged - not in the mainstream groupthink way of today - but in an insightful, personal outrage sort of way. She sang about the wars in Europe, the murder of John Lennon, family, aging, relationships from new love to heartbreak, nostalgia, societal pressures, drug addiction, abuse and more.
Having grown up around primarily Spanish, Freestyle and Hip Hop music, The Cranberries opened my eyes and ears to an “alternative” genre - rock and roll. lt was great to connect to an artist, a female artist in such a multifaceted and stimulating way. I began to seek out more of this music. I became blown away by Alanis Morissette and her powerful, unabashed truth then came Green Day…Soundgarden…Nirvana…Fiona Apple…Meryl Bainbridge…Foo Fighters…Pearl Jam…Volcano Girls…to name a few. I needed this music, I depended on it to balance me out - to empower me to be myself and not follow the script I was given as a kid.
Sometimes my peers poked fun at the music I listened to (because it was different) and I took it very personal. My mother would hear it play in my room and ask if I was okay. "Monica, are you suicidal?" she asked, because she never heard music like it. It sounds strange but I had to fight for this music. It was mine. I chose it for myself.
I'm not sure if a girl from the countryside in Ireland knew the impact her songs would have on a girl from two of the worst ghettos in NYC, but it forever changed me and I owe it to her to honor her talent, voice and strength.
Rest in Peace, Dolores.
"Ode To My Family"
Understand the things I say
Don't turn away from me,
'Cause I've spent half my life out there
You wouldn't disagree.
Do you see me? Do you see?
Do you like me?
Do you like me standing there?
Do you notice? Do you know?
Do you see me?
Do you see me? Does anyone care?
Unhappiness
Where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun
And take it if we can.
My mother, my mom,
She hold me, she hold me
When I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.
Does anyone care?
Understand what I've become,
It wasn't my design.
And people everywhere think something
Better than I am.
But I miss you, I miss,
'Cause I liked it,
'Cause I liked it when I was out there.
Do you know this? Do you know
You did not find me?
You did not find. Does anyone care?
Unhappiness
Where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun
And take it if we can.
My mother, my mom,
She hold me, she hold me
When I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.
Does anyone care?
Don't turn away from me,
'Cause I've spent half my life out there
You wouldn't disagree.
Do you see me? Do you see?
Do you like me?
Do you like me standing there?
Do you notice? Do you know?
Do you see me?
Do you see me? Does anyone care?
Unhappiness
Where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun
And take it if we can.
My mother, my mom,
She hold me, she hold me
When I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.
Does anyone care?
Understand what I've become,
It wasn't my design.
And people everywhere think something
Better than I am.
But I miss you, I miss,
'Cause I liked it,
'Cause I liked it when I was out there.
Do you know this? Do you know
You did not find me?
You did not find. Does anyone care?
Unhappiness
Where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun
And take it if we can.
My mother, my mom,
She hold me, she hold me
When I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.
Does anyone care?
 |
| I thought I was finally going to see them LIVE, here in the US! Unfortunately, the tour got cancelled due to Dolores' recurring back issue. It was supposed to be rescheduled for a later date but... |
